when the man comes around

I began my first painting today.

Since I've been back.

That means, since January.

This makes, about 8 months since my last painting, which I can now consider illustrational garbage.

I will probably burn it.

SO, really, actually, I can now say that this is my first REAL painting since college ended in 1999.

6 years ago.

And all those paintings were garbage anyway.

Though the ideas are great, and will be redoing them in the new style.


This of course is a bit late considering I could have been painting earlier.

Much earlier.

Keep in mind of course the first three months of that were spent sleeping on a couch with no 'room of my own.' I used to think a room of one's own was superfluous in some way, this was before I began painting and after being back into it again, I am assured that no painting could ever come out of me not just without having a room, but my own place.

It's a painting like most that I've had plans for, for a while, I believe it's 36" X 48" and uses color so much more. I've known this would be my new style for quite some time now, (about 3 yrs) and never had the chance to actualize it till now. I'm not surprised, technically, I'm an amateur painter. The reason being, that I began painting in high school with an instructor who never focused on skill but more creative ability.

This hurt me--big time. I got nothing different than the artists (so-called) at SVA in New York.

SO, finally, after living all over the States, living in a foreign country, speaking two tongues, dumping six girlfriends, not to mention a marriage, not to mention having a daughter, AND NOW---I'm ready.

Neal may now begin his life.

But in the end, rather at the very end of the beginning I'm closer to my ideal than I ever have been.

1. I've begun a painting I'm more than happy with, which exemplies what I wanted stylistically, and I have BIG plans for my art. (It has a long way to go and that's a good thing.)

2. I have finally found and love the woman who is my ideal and (despite E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G in the past four months I've been with her) am still in a relationship with her and it appears to be going stronger than ever.

3."I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, to put to rest all that was not life, for not when I had come to die realize that I had not lived."

--I have disowned those who are unable to smile in the face of this statement.

4. I am back.


This fourth one needs the most work, as I need work. I am at the most insecure point in my life I am realizing, but am also coming to terms with the fact that I've been Superman (though I loathe this figure) without his powers for quite some time being in France and dependant for so long. What keeps giving me strength can be found with the Rimbaud statement about the seer I'm always ranting about. I realize that of all those I've known, I'm the one whose come closest to this despite what everybody might say about me or what I might think about myself, I am able to cut ties, to burn bridges, and especially today to face myself and let go of that insecurity, let go of my phone and expectations, of the dependancy that was so heightened mom, in that one September.

I summon strength in the knowledge that at least I have seen the visions and I know what it takes to make possible what many others around me only dream of: to take risks and be willing to lose. Everything.

This is when I feel invincible again, like when I put on my headphones and paint, and paint and paint and I hear the electric tribal beating of the jungle, that savage in me, the fire, the humble man, the gentle bird with fangs.

I have been through your "unspeakable torture" Monsieur Rimbaud, I have learned to summon my superhuman strength, I have been the accursed and am ready to be learned.

I am ready to make eyes out of visions.